10.07.2024

Misery Loves Company.

Misery forces you to dance with it, it steps on your feet and and fumbles all the queues, it forces you to lead the dance when you know nothing about the song and they composed it. Misery loves company and it wraps around you like an old friend. It holds you close arms pinned to your side and you stuck trying to figure out if you want to let it hold you for a little longer or struggle to get out its grasp. It's the first hug you get after tragedy leaves gallopping down the way. It't the last thing you see at night, it loves to watch over our sleep, loves to greet us as our eyes open to the sight of it. Misery loves company so it always leaves your front door open.

My grandmother of my fathers side, my Oumie died. I wrote about it the last update. What I didn't write was that my father is an artist and his paintings stayed at a gallery and storage place. What I didn't mention is that the place is owned my two people. One of them went missing months and months ago and the other? Dead. No Murdered. Days after my Oumie died. My fathers mother the one that I can confidently say loved him and understood him most on their side of the family exluding my sister and I

Misery loves company, so of course my Oumie's body had to stay where they went on vacation and of course it took over a week for her body to cremated and course my sister and I weren't invited to mourn, the place is a couple hours away and I know my mother, my beautiful amazing wonderful mother would of driven us all up including my father up to meet with the rest of the family but that didn't happen did it?

No my father goes up with one of my first cousins and then left him to grive alone everyone had other places to stay but they were all in groups and my father, my wonderful lovely awe inspiring father grieved alone.

Life has not been kind to my family and I believe it has been worse for my father, my bleeding heart, kind natured father, forced by lifes hand over and over and over again but still rises to meet the challenge over and over again. I love my father but Misery Loves Company. So I know no one hugged him as long as I did when I got to see him again and I know no one looked into his eyes and saw every year, every month every day weighing him down, the wieght of the world on his shoulders.

I look at my fether and I see myself. I see the pain and the agony and realize that no I am not the only one that sees it people know when other people are struggling it's so easy to hear in the crack of a voice and the slope of the shoulders. People see it and don't know what to do. I don't know what to do so I hug him longer a little harder. I say that I love him. I don't say things will get better. I don't say anything about perservering or how there was nothing to be done. I cling to him and find that grief is a tidal wave that loves to pull everyone under.

Grief drowns and thrashes and screams at the tops of it's lungs, its the knife slipped between ribs and the ache that never leaves, it's the face in the mirror and the shadow in thr corner. Grief sits and waits like an old dog, content on sleeping at the edge of your bed. Grief never leaves your side but it's colors fade with time but a knife is still a knife if the edges are dull.

The Wake is on Saturday. It's Wednesday now. People are also coming on Saturday to view the house. We are moving on the 25th and the 26th to an area I grew up in. I am scared, I am in pain we would of have been much closer to Oumie just a hop and a skip away. My dad is also moving into around the same area, I'll get to see him alot in the oncoming year I am happy about that.