18.06.2024

I'm feeling like shit today, I also found out that my relatively kinda locally famous extended family got into the news again.

I feel so inadequate compared to the litterly poster family that is their lives. I haven't talked to them in forever and probably never going to.

The only time I ever see them is on the front cover of newspapers and in magazine articles.

I do envy them obviously. I haven't really accomplished anything in my life and there they are litterly winning trips to Antartica for being good academics and star sportsman.

I want to achieve something big, something people will see and feel inspired. I want to be admired agh I feel so lame saying all this. And I think I'll save myself the pain and kill myself if someone in my family reads this entry.

Speaking of family I'm worried about my dad. I haven't seen him in forever and it feels like we keep getting further and further away.

I'm my father's child through and through and I know he doesn't know how much I car and love him.

So many people die everyday without trying to have a good connection with their family and I don't want to be one of them... but it's just so fucking scary.

I look at my dad and I see myself. I look at him and see the same wounds I see in the mirror. I love him so god damn much.

Every kid is scared of their parents dying or mostly every kid. I have friends with worst parents in the world and still care for them. Seen them panic over them getting hurt.

I'm scared of my parents dying. When I was younger I thought by this age I'd be able to support them. To make sure they have a home and I'd visit or call once a week. I thought I would be able to look either of them in the eye and tell them I care and hold a conversation with them.

I can't remember the last time I had a conversation outside my sister and my four only friends 3 of which I have very complicated relationships with.

I should invite my dad over but how would I even ask? I kind of want it to be a neutral place and somewhere we don't have to stay too long. I have no cash and my mom would probably have to come with and when they are around each other they are either getting along like a house on fire or there fighting like gladiators.

I'll see what movies are coming up maybe I can convince everyone to go... ugh I'm often reminded the fact I wasn't socialized enough as a puppy.