28.06.2024

Oumie died we were supposed to see her this weekend she was in the clear from chemo

I was in a white bath towel I just showered my lips are dry and I've had a headache for days I felt dehydrated and nauseated

I was going to paint her a bouquet of flowers before I went to see her

She wanted something beautiful to see when she got out the hospital.

She died in the drakensberg

Is there any time for grief for when there is a body to be moved, to be buried.

I was the first person my dad told and i didn't even check the message for another hour after I woke up.

----

It's been a couple days since I wrote the above piece it still feels all so wrong. I can't not think about it.

We were supposed to go see a house that day since we're moving and I was the one who had to break the news to everyone else in my house.

We didn't go to the viewing it was postponed until tommrow/today technically. (Its 1:16AM)

I always distanced myself form the family and well I tried to reconnect on several occasians and always felt like I was talked out of it by my mother or my sister.

I finally got over myself and started talking to my dad more and talking to my Oumie.

I wanted to show my family who I was becoming about my hardships and victories. I think it was in January that we got the news she had cancer and two nearly three weeks ago she was clear of cancer.

I love her and I'll miss her and I can't stop thinking about the (Surname Redacted) curse.

My mom coined the term I think it's just my dad's side of the family or anyone who married in has had bad health problems and a lot of them got cancer. Like a lot. Didn't matter if you were blood or not if you had the surname it felt like there was a higher chance of it.

When I was younger I felt like death or tragedy followed me it may sound silly but it felt all so real. My grandfather on my mother's side was old and ill and when I was young I took care of him with my mom and gran.

Somewhere between then and now my mom had surgery and got sepsis in the hospital it got good enough for her to go home but it came back hard. I took care of her then. My sister hated wounds and I can't really remember my gran doing much.

My aunt, my father's sister the one he was closest too died of cancer too it was painful very very painful.

I worry for my father, when my aunt died it felt like the only other person sticking up for him was his mother, my Oumie.

I can't get over the fact that I was the first person he messaged. Not my sister or my mother. Me. I feel honored yet pained by this.

I send him my art and send him memes and he sends me tik toks and art her makes as well.

I love my dad I hope he gets through this.

I need to sleep now or I'll never wake in time hopefully I'll talk soon.