06.10.2024

When your winning your suspicious of your friends, When your failing your suspicious of your dreams.

I fell into a slump again, I'm not a fan of most of my friends and I cannot bring myself to talk to new people. I joined a smallish Minecraft server but haven't talked to anyone yet. Just logged in to build and play like normal. I hardly talk in chat and I tried joining a voice chat but that took me half an hour to get over my anxiety to join an empty chat and I could only stay for 10 minutes due to feeling like an idiot.

I spent four days watching Cxlvxns From The Fog MC series and that is all I have done. Lichens best friend is visiting and they went out clubbing. Everyday I feel more locked out from myself. My mother's best friend moved to Ireland and she gave us a bunch of stuff and I got a sewing machine and yet I cannot bring myself out of this hellish grotesque pit to be happy. Cannot reach a hand out from the tar I am stuck in to just get over myself. I can't trust anyone but my older sister but even then I find myself hesitating.

I am awful. I want to be better but what I have done and what I continue to do looms over me like a shadow. I tie everything to the work I do and have done it is slowly killing me.

I am going to the doctors for the first time in years and I am afraid I have PCOS as I haven't had my period in over 14 months. My sister has the best friend group ever they always seem to be there for the other and they are so grateful that my mother drives them around, they praise my mother and buy her gifts and plan to take her out for a spa day and well my friends... I'm feeling used lately.

I'm considering cutting my losses. Starting over I already made a new art account that I made sure no one knows about. Maybe make a new username live another double life? Maybe I was already doing that maybe this will fail maybe it wont. I don't know what's greater the pain of staying stagnant or the pain of getting better. I'm allergic to discomfort and rejection but if I cannot overcome this, if I cannot change myself to be who I want to be then who will? <em>who will.</em>

I catch myself daydreaming about the same old scenarios of someone coming and and taking me away to be saved and nutured. To be given things, to be given free passage to my crafts. This is not something that will happen I must make this myself I am laying waste here. There is always more to say but I never find the words to write.

I feel as if I am failing and it's getting harder to climb. I am brought back again and again to this one quote.

I asked god for a swordsman and he said 'look at your hands.'

I worry that this is too much pressure, that this will lead to burn out I have come to the realization recently that I have been severely mistreated, not purposefully but it had changed me and my way of life to think if I just put enough effort in it will work out. I recently learned that people with ADHD are more likely to get stuck in an abusive relationship. I feel as if my dominoes started to tip a long time ago.

There has to be away around this. THERE HAS TO BE.